Growing up as the child of performers was an interesting experience. My parents are very prolific dancers. Both of them achieved very high status in the Canadian ballet world. When the question came to my role in the continuation of their dynasty. My parents broke from the norm. They understood that art is a labor of love. The chance of fame and money is unlikely and without the spark of joy, the career is doomed to fail. Nevertheless, they encouraged me to no end. However, their pressure stopped one afternoon when I told my mother at the age of four “Mum, it ain’t gonna happen.” While this ended any career I had in the ballet world, the natural pressures and tendencies of my parent’s unconscious motivations stuck with me into my teenage years.

What my parents said and how they acted were in conflict. They often said “We love you no matter what, we just want you to be happy, etc…” However, their actions spoke a different mantra. “You’re only as good as your last show, perfection is the only correct answer, never settle.” While never explicitly spoken, and certainly never intentionally acted upon. Children learn from their parents, and when your parents are perfectionist athletes at the highest levels of their craft. Their mannerisms influence you.

I was encouraged to follow my hobbies and dreams, and those dreams were of my choosing. However, once a path had been set, perfection was the only acceptable outcome. If I underperformed at an athletic event or during my schooling. The fault was always due to a personal moral failing. “You’re so smart, and so naturally talented at (X), you just need to work harder and stop being so distracted.”

This kind of rhetoric creates a strange relationship with work. On the one hand, I’m grateful to my parents. They provided me with all the tools to succeed. They nourished and created the perfect environment where I could fall back if/ when I failed. All this resulted in a highly successful and driven individual. On the other hand, it’s created a person who isn’t able to accept defeat. My relationship with struggle and failure is unhealthy. Failure is an inevitable part of success- paradoxically. When you take personal moral responsibility for every failed endeavor, it breaks that inner child that just wants to be accepted.